proof of my existence

I massively scaled back talking about my life since the end of my first marriage, but please allow me to <rant>

I went back home to St. Thomas recently and took my new(ish) family to see my grandmother, who’s doing poorly. The details of the trip are in a previous blog draft which I may or may not complete. My grandmother raised me and is who I called ‘Mommie’.  Never knew my real father except for his name (not even a photo) and my mother and I were separated early on and I saw her maybe 5 times up to the age 18.

I heard I had some siblings on my father’s side and was introduced to 2 brothers. One (a day older than me) when I was 15, another when I was in my 20s. But my father was just a concept, so I had no interest in getting to know them. Especially since no effort had been made to contact me. I already had a father figure,  my grandmother’s husband, so I was cool with it. I didn’t feel like I wanted for a father, and would assure myself, “you can’t miss what you didn’t have.”

But in the back of my mind or deeper in my subconcious it kinda f’d me up. I would struggle with my identity, not feeling like a real person, but more like a random occurance. who had little contact with “moms” and no contact with “dad”.  I’m sure it affected my relationships and affects me now. But I tried to accept my reality. It wasn’t until 2 years ago before I married Noelle and saw my mother and her bonding did I feel grounded.  But I wouldn’t replace who raised me for anything.

By chance in 2006 I found out about another brother and he  let me know our father was still alive and he told me of other siblings. At least one here in North Carolina. That was overwhelming and bizarre to me. He said there were probably 10 of us. I didn’t really want to deal with it. He was less of a concept and a living entity now.  By the time I got the nerve up again to contact this brother of mine, I couldn’t reach him.

Cut to 2010 and we’re back in touch. I am in St. Thomas and meet him, my brother. It’s weird and awkward and it’s draining me to even open up about this, but I find out about a lot more siblings, like maybe 17? I have less than a flattering image of  this person who is my father and wish I could go back to ignorance. Later that day the NC sister calls me, and we talk for the first time. At a certain point she’s upbeat and suggests that I hop on a plane to St. Croix and look up the biological. Seriously?

The thing that’s blowing me away is that they all knew about me but didn’t know how to get in touch with me. Later on that day I randomly run into a Godsister on my mother’s side. “Steve, you need to get in touch with your sister in New Jersey.”  WHO? Something about her not knowing our father an needing someone to relate to about it. We talk for at least an hour the next day. She’s a few months older than me, and we can in fact relate, but she had been in contact and tried in vain to maintain a connection.

While I’m kicking around this can of worms, I’m there, bonding with my mother and maternal sisters (who came to meet my family), and dealing with the health of my Grandmother, who is now a shell of her former self. I go from seeing my family tree as a whithered vine has been turned inside out.

My NC and NJ sisters and I have been in touch and we’re (me) working on establishing a relationship. My NC Sister is definitely the family cheerleader and wants to get the everyone together. That’s a bit much for me. I guess from her and other siblings’ perspective I’m the one they’ve found after all this time, and from mine, this is all brand new.  Plus, after hearing all that I have about this guy, (including recent information from my mother that I never had the nerve nor comfort level to ask before) I don’t feel any desire to have anything to do with dude. He is totally Keyser Söze to me right now.

I used to want to know about that side, for medical history. Now I know – thanks for the HBP. I see emails with photos and Facebook pages and all of a sudden – BAM –  I have an extended family. The first part of my life was one way as I understood it. Now it’s something totally different. Like, what the hell is my identity now?  The Nature vs Nurture thing is kinda haunting me somewhat. The can of worms is half open and I’m not sure if I want to go any farther with it. I don’t know what to do.

</rant>

In conclusion to an earlier discussion:

Me: “…y’all women play too many games!”
She: “I don’t play games!”
Kiddo: “I play games!”

it doesn’t too much look like it here, but on one promo for V, Anna was a dead ringer for The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon, whose character does have a twin sister. but she doesn’t look a thing like this.

We had an epic time for Valentine’s Day, seeing one of my favorite groups at The Cat’s Cradle in Carrboro, NC.
Once we got there we saw some of our new Greensboro friends (shoutouts to Kween, Tee, Jaime, Trice, and Africa) and we stood with them by the stage.

What happened next was unexpected. I noticed a fellow who was glancing in my direction a few times then I saw his date – my ex-wife, star of previous posts. They came over and spoke*.  A cordial yet surreal experience.

As for the show, Cat’s Cradle is set up for intimate standing-room-only crowds, and we had a great spot to observe from, about 3 ft from the stage on the right side.
I went down there in the mindset of, “this is a perfect date night,” but the photographer in me said “since I’m going to see FE, it would be nice to get a shot or two of them”.
Trying to find that balance between a devoted date who might take a couple snaps. So I took only 3 lenses and my Sony hotshoe flash in my smaller bag.

While we were waiting, a photog squeezed by towards the middle of the room and I recognized him from Flickr and Facebook, but hadn’t met him in the flesh until that point. Sedrick Miles! He was prepared, and had 2 cameras, a diffused flash on the hotshoe and a remote flash stage right.

As far as the show went? I Loved every minute (when it finally started). They did all the songs that I loved, and Phonte would break into a “What’s Up With That” (SNL skit with Keenan Thompson) interlude several times. The band was on point. YahZarah St. James was on fire, and Darien Brockington had the ladies swaying. The second part of the set was Hip Hop with a collab between Phonte and Joe Scudda and a Little Brother reunion of sorts when Rapper Big Pooh joined ‘ Tay